Can someone read over my essay for Temple University?

The essay topic is: Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say? My essay: Looking back on the past 16 years of my life, I would have never anticipated my life the way it is. I would like to thank Temple University for making me the successful dedicated person I am today. When I was in high school, I knew from the first time I visited Temple, that I was going to be a graduate from there. Applying to my dream school was nerve-racking. I kept thinking "What am I going to do if they don’t accept me? One day I came home from school and my mom handed me an envelope from Temple University and my nerves took over me. When I opened the letter, it said I had been accepted. From that day on, my life changed. Those 6 years were the most memorable 6 years of my life. Temple taught me to be dedicated and hard working. I received my Bachelor’s degree in 2015 and my Master’s degree in 2017 for Speech, Language and Hearing. I have had many successful careers relating to my major over the past 10 years. Without this cautious first step into the realm of higher education and professionalism I would not be where I am today. Temple University, my professors, colleagues, and dearest friends have all helped me to lay a solid foundation that has provided me with endless opportunities and advantages that will continue to be built upon throughout my professional and personal life. Being a graduate from this school is a huge honor and accomplishment within itself. I cherish all the memories I’ve had while being an active student at Temple University. If anyone were to approach me and ask if I chose the right school, I would say yes in a heartbeat. After reflecting on all my accomplishments due to Temple's outstanding education, I can gladly say that I wouldn’t have done it any other way.Please help in any way, correct grammar mistakes or tell me what I lack in my essay. Temple is my number one choice for college so I need to make an impact with my essay.

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2 Responses to “Can someone read over my essay for Temple University?”

  1. polyphonism says:

    Well I noticed that when you stated “What am I going to do if they don’t if they don’t accept me?There needs to be closing quotations”What if there person reading the paper only reads that line they wouldn’t know who “they”. Needs to be more direct. Needs to add comma and period there is 1 run-on sentence.

  2. thenness says:

    I would incorporate something specific about the school. If they have a state of the art facilities like labs or world renown teaching faculty in your department, mention how privileged you felt to learn from them, etc. This essay is all about how you feel, and it has very little to do with WHY TEMPLE WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE for you.