Part of my story… keep or change? HELP ME PLEASE?

this is the beginning to my story. what do you think? what should i change, please help me. its already 6 pages long and im still writing.I woke up with a sore neck from sleeping on my laptop because I was working late on my police cadet assignment. This police academy is not your typical academy. This is a police academy from sixteen to twenty years old, because we have gotten high marks on our exams. I looked at the clock and nearly choked, it was nearly nine o’clock and my essay is due today, first class which unfortunately started at nine. As I was running around my ever so messy apartment I grabbed my too guy-ish clothes- pink and olive coloured camo pants, white tank top and a grey hoodie and jumped in the shower. That must have been the quickest time in the shower, ten minutes. As soon as I got out, I grabbed a coffee at the cafe around the corner and drove to the police academy.I walked straight into the least favorite person I wanted to talk too-Christine Lander. Christine is a lying, cheating, bimbo blonde, Barbie who thinks she is better than everyone else. I don’t even know why she wants to become a police officer; she’ll just end up dating the prisoners. "Hey loser" she said to me. She stuck out her foot to try and trip me but I just dodged around her so I wouldn’t have to explain myself. I don’t really enjoy talking to girls, I prefer guys because I can be myself around them."Sophia, welcome to class. I was wondering when you would come. Assignment please" Professor Jack Swallow told me. I handed him my copy and went and sat in my seat, all while the whole class looking at me. Today we only get half a day because it’s the last day of the police term but we come back here in two weeks though the bad thing about it, is that we must stay on campus and study for our up-coming exam that will tell us if we pass on being a police officer.

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One Response to “Part of my story… keep or change? HELP ME PLEASE?”

  1. authigene says:

    There are some grammar issues, like the first sentence being a run-on. There are also tense issues. You wrote: she “looked” and that the essay “was,” but then you say it “is” due today. Stick with one tense. Past or present. It seems like you’ve written most of this is past tense, so just be sure not to stumble into present. There are loads of mistakes, so I can tell that you’re pretty young, but don’t let it get you down. Just keeping writing and working on your grammar, the more you write, the better you get. I know this from personal experience, so good luck and happy writing.